and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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