We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
