hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
