I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
