Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
