Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
