I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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