Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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