He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
