Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
