I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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