imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
