She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
