You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
