got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
