New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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