If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize