omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
