took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
