So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
