just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Alive.
So much puke
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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