we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
