I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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