I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
