What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
