i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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