so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
