My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
