I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Bring me that man meat
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
