Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
