you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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