remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
