i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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