RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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