1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
