Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
