wrigley field is MILF paradise
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
