I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize