She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
