I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
