great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
