a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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