I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
