tell your sister to shave her snatch
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize