I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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