if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
