So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
