Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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