i already hear my dad disowning me
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize