i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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