if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
