Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
