there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
